True Vine Tuesday: The Power of Showing Up

It is very common for parents who adopt or foster to lose some of their friends. When a parent welcomes a child into their family, they are giving their family to that child. In some instances, that child has begun life outside of a family structure. Oftentimes, families welcoming a child will do something called cocooning. They will make their family's world small for a time. This is done to show the child what a family is and to give the child time to slowly pick up on and join the rhythms of the family. For a child who has already lost a set of parents and possibly siblings, it is extremely hard to trust others. Especially for a child who does not remember them or being part of a family at all.  

Oftentimes, children take years to adjust. Sometimes, the support of friends and neighbors dwindles and fades. Other people’s expectations of the adjustment period are often based on their experiences with biological children. The result is that families who foster and adopt are given support for the first month or two. Not the first year or five.

Children who are being fostered and adopted need more time to adjust due to their histories and the often unprocessed grief of losing their first family. It can be challenging for neighbors, friends, and family to understand why extended support could be needed. Added to that, when someone is simply trying to “survive”, they do not have the capacity to continually educate others.  

Sometimes being vulnerable and asking for help feels harder and riskier than trying to manage on your own. Sometimes the possibility of feeling judged keeps parents from asking for help. Parents can feel judgment from grandparents, other family members, friends, neighbors, church members, and community members. Most people operate from the perspective of raising biological children.  

So, what can be done?  

Maybe you have a friend who is a foster or adoptive parent and you are wondering what you could do to help. Maybe you aren’t as close as you were before your friend began this journey. Maybe you stopped reaching out because your friend would show up late to lunch or coffee. Maybe your friend would cancel plans at the last minute. So you decided to stop inviting and stop planning time with that friend. It just became too hard. And you know what? That friend probably doesn’t blame you.  

But speaking as someone who has had friends fall away after adopting, we hope you will think of us and reach out. We hope you won’t give up on us. We hope you will think of us with fondness and not disappointment.  

If you’re the friend who stopped reaching out and you now miss the friendship, this is your sign to act. Don’t let the fear that 'too much time has passed' stop you from checking in. It probably hasn't. I’ve never heard of anyone being angry about someone stopping by to say, “Hi” and drop off coffee. I’ve never heard of anyone being disgruntled about receiving a text letting them know a warm meal will be dropped off tonight.    

That friend who adopted or fostered and then became inconsistent is probably just treading water in their life, just trying to make it through one day at a time. That friend is probably lonely. That friend could probably really use YOU. To listen without judgement. To drop off a hot coffee or warm meal. To send a text or note saying you were thinking of them. To send a text with the prayer you said for their family.  

Taking that step may feel a little awkward at first. The friend might be surprised. That friend will also appreciate being thought of. So, if you read this and you are not someone who’s fostered or adopted, reach out to that friend, neighbor, family member who has. Send some encouragement. They need it. We all do.

And if you are the adoptive or foster parent, you can also send the text. Let someone into your life. Ask a friend to meet for coffee or dinner. Say yes and then show up to something you are invited to attend. Even if you will be late. Just show up. Let people in. Let the Lord care for you through his followers. Experience the joy of community again. You need it.

Learn more about True Vine, Pathway's Adoption and Foster Care Ministry, HERE.