True Vine Tuesday: When Fear Meets God’s Faithfulness

When a couple chooses to adopt a child internationally, one of the many decisions that must be made is what medical needs you as parents believe you would be able to provide care for. In some instances, you have to look over a long list of medical conditions and decide if you would be willing and able to care for a child with that need. The idea of that list always felt overwhelming to me. How could I possibly make an accurate and informed decision? I was not even familiar with half of the conditions on the list. And it felt like it would take forever to become acquainted with each condition and then decide if we were up to the task of caring for a child with that condition.  

Thankfully, we never had to check boxes on that list. We identified our child early enough to fill out that form to accommodate for the needs our child had. At the time that eased tension and gave me some relief. We just had to learn about the medical condition of a real child. Our child. At that point, we were naive about what lay ahead. There was also some conflicting medical information, so we weren’t really sure the extent of the medical needs our child would have. We just planned to see doctors as quickly as possible.  

When we met our child, I remember changing her clothes for bed. Seeing her scar from a previous surgery for the first time. That is when the magnitude of her medical condition really began to sink in. That is when my confidence began to crack. It was so much easier to trust God and His plan for our family when the child we were pursuing was on another continent. It was easier to believe we could meet needs when everything was hypothetical. Up to that point, the biggest medical intervention we had faced was when one of our kids needed a couple stitches on his chin. We had no idea just how unprepared we were.

Ten days after we arrived back home in the U.S. we saw a specialist. Seeing that doctor was at the top of our list. We wanted answers to our questions. To know what the future held for our child and our family. Would our child require just regular check-ups with a specialist? One surgery? Multiple surgeries? A possible organ transplant? We wanted answers. We wanted a plan.

Instead of a plan, we began to really learn about our child’s condition and medical needs. We began to form a baseline for how this condition looked for this child. In some ways, we felt confident and hopeful. In others, we felt overwhelmed and afraid.  

I vividly remember the first time our daughter was ill. It was that evening as I was getting her ready for bed that I had an internal meltdown. After I got her to sleep, I sat next to her and cried. Then, I began to pray. As I prayed, I told God how unqualified I was to parent this child. I told God the biggest medical hurdle I had faced as a parent was stitches. I asked God what he was doing? Why would he think it was a good idea for me to parent a child with what could someday be major medical needs? Surely there was someone else more qualified. If I felt this afraid of a fever and a cold, how would I be able to handle surgery? Surely God had made a mistake.  

Thankfully there was time to adjust and learn before surgery for this child was ever part of our lives. I wish I could say that when that time came, I was ready. However, I know now that no one is ever ready for their child to have any kind of surgery. The months leading up to my daughter’s surgery were hard. I have never felt more anxious than I did during that time.  

The morning of surgery we waited in a room with our daughter. When it was time for her to go back and get ready, we had to watch her be escorted away. Then, we walked down a hall to a surgical waiting area where we would receive one update each hour for 5-6 hours. As we began to walk down that hall it took every ounce of strength I had not to turn around and run after our daughter. Every fiber of my being screamed, “I changed my mind! I do not want to do this anymore!” As we walked to the waiting area, I silently prayed for our daughter as tears streamed down my face.  

The waiting felt slow. I tried to distract myself but I couldn’t really focus on anything. I listened to music and read my Bible. I watched for the nurse who would give updates. I looked around at the other parents also waiting on updates about their children.  

Then, once surgery finally ended, we had to wait to be able to see our daughter. We had to be escorted back to the ICU. Upon arrival, we had to check into the nurses’ station, get badges, and learn the rules. Then, they asked if we had any questions. I’ve wondered many times if any parents ever ask any questions. I was so focused on getting to my daughter as fast as I could, I did not listen to one word. The only questions I wanted answered were about how my child was. If she was awake yet. And I wasn’t planning on leaving her side once I got to her. So, I could care less about how to get out or back into the unit.  

Nothing prepared me for seeing my daughter after surgery. She was groggy. Asking for me. Crying, in pain. I wanted to scoop her up into my arms. However, all I could do was hold her hand. Tell her I was there. Tell her I would continue to be there. She drifted in and out of sleep.  

The recovery and time spent in the hospital was tough. But as I sat in the hospital with my daughter, God began to open my eyes to see my daughter’s resiliency. Her strength.  

God brought to my mind how my daughter may have had her first surgery as a baby on another continent, alone. Without parents or caregivers. But, God is serious about redemption and restoration. He is a God who makes all things new. This time she was not alone. She had parents who were there to meet her every need. She was given everything she asked for. She was lavishly loved and cared for. God was redeeming her experience from before. God reminded us so tangibly and tenderly that he was with our daughter both times. Because she is his daughter. He has loved her every moment. Her past, present, and future are all safe in his hands.  

Learn more about True Vine, Pathway's Adoption and Foster Care Ministry, HERE.